The Book Bunker You've done a fantastic sales job, Steve. Frankly,
I have to say, when you first came to me and suggested we start re-cycling some of the old 70's drawings, from the filing
cabinet, I was skeptical. You proved me wrong. Well done.
Submarine Sandwich It seemed like only yesterday that Paul and Jean had
pulled into the parking lot near London Bridge. They sat in the car looking at the big neon sign ringed by hypnotically dancing
light bulbs. The sign said, 'Tony's Used Boats. Best Prices in the Commonwealth.'
Rocky Raccoon Enraged animals went on a rampage in this Eastern Ontario park, during the week, in retaliation for the death
of animal leader Rocky Raccoon, who was killed in what police are calling a vehicular related accident.
School Daze Recent statistics point to the fact that
once a child enters the system, he or she will be there an average of 13 years, until finally graduating. Often though they
go on to more serious offenses and may, in some extreme situations, spend half a lifetime 'inside'.
The Phone Company If a wire has fallen down and is sparking and flailing about do not go near it. Instead, touch two on your
phone and one of our specially trained consultants will interview you and attempt to establish why it was your fault that
it fell down.
The Couch Olympics As the Olympic Games come to a close, millions of people around the world breathe a sigh of relief and contemplate
the return to normal life and the resumption of Fraser reruns.
The Necktie Museum "Aye Luigi," she told him one day. "You gonna wear this napkin around your neck when we go out for dinner
or I gonna slap you up side the head!" The neck napkin was an instant fashion success, and the expression, "I gonna slap you
up side the head," became a permanent, Italian, dispute resolution skill.
Alien Tourists Part of our work here is to change their behavior without letting them find out what we're doing.
They have small brains but big egos and many of them believe the Supreme Being created them to run the Universe. It would
be a devastating shock to them to know that they are an insignificant species at the edge of civilization. Really just
something to be studied before they self-destruct.
Gum & Butts This day, I was walking along daydreaming
when suddenly my foot began sticking to the cement, with that squishy stick-and-release feeling that tells you you've just
stepped on some chewing gum.
A Fairy Tale Once upon a time, far, far away, there was
a beautiful planet that nurtured all the creatures that lived there. The people on the planet had everything they needed to
be happy. Eventually though, some of them decided they needed more and became selfish and greedy.
Paul's Bio Paul currently lives in a sleepy little town in Eastern Ontario and works as a free lance
writer. His agent assures him that a major Hollywood studio will soon pick up the story of his life. Rodney Dangerfield has
expressed an interest in playing the lead.
Humiliation TV "Why are these shows so popular?" The answer is that the audience wants to see the contestants publicly humiliated
by the judges. All that singing and performing is just filler.
Killing Me My neighbor across the road has a sign on his front lawn advising me that he's sprayed toxic chemicals on his
grass. If I go near it, I'll suffer serious neurological impairment, which will affect my ability to empty the dishwasher
and perform other vital domestic chores.
More Meat Please Uncle George was on a low carb diet. He'd lost
some weight and had tufts of hair growing out of his ears and chest hair poked up menacingly from the front of his open shirt. The
waitresses in the restaurant had become very nervous around him.......
Road Rage Feel the urge to express yourself. Jump in
the car and let it all hang out! Everyone else does.
Scrooged Again: The Movie "Scrooge is a role model we can all emulate," he declared. "He opened up his
purse and everyone lived happily ever after."
Mad Dogs It's scary to think that Mad Cow Disease could make
its way into the human food chain, through the pet food section at the local grocery store.
Taxing Smoke How
long before Turkish tobacco and Cuban Cigars become the new symbols of terrorist threat? Do Saddam Hussein and bin Laden smoke?
Mad Cows Some thoughts on why our food disagrees
Your Own Mary Jane Franchise The mark-up on weed is enormous he told me. Marijuana is cheap and easy to
grow. The major expense is transportation and security.
Who's Watching Us Now Somewhere in the world there is this one guy at the
top of the heap who can zoom in and watch anyone in the pyramid, anywhere in the world.
Plague There is a plague infesting
our cities. In Europe pedestrians are fair game, whenever they venture off the sidewalk. Is it time for a no limit, open season,
in this province?