It's been a week of thrills and chills in the country that invented Souvlaki on a Bun. Thanks to Ron Bensimhon from Montreal the whole world now knows that the men's national costume of Canada is the blue tutu over polka-dot tights.

This peculiarly Canadian fashion statement was a much-guarded secret until Ron plunged off the 3-metre board in Athens this week, sporting one. One suspects we'll see fewer plaid shirts and more tutus on men this fall, now that Ron has brought it out of the closet.

As the Olympic Games come to a close, millions of people around the world breathe a sigh of relief and contemplate the return to normal life and the resumption of Fraser reruns.

"About time," said Martha, a forty something mother of three. "I'm tired of looking at attractive young women, bending and contorting their slim, hairless, scantly clad bodies. It makes me feel old and fat."

Many experts agree that this orgi-fest of attractive young people, performing dangerous and erotic acts, can be demoralizing to the average person sitting in front of their TV set, with a beer and a bag of chips. "Most of the athletes would bloat up like toads, if they ate the fast food advertised during the games," Martha said.

Local fitness clubs report a drop in attendance as members took time off to watch the games. They hope the regulars will come back inspired by what they saw. Although certainly some will quit, depressed by the futility of trying in the face of so much youthful attractiveness-convinced that appearance not fitness is the goal of good health habits.

Stock prices for pharmaceutical companies continue to rise as distraught viewers refill their prescriptions for anti-depression pills, hoping to ward off the wave of low self-esteem sweeping the nation. Others turn to food for solace. "I couldn't take those steroids," said Ralph Bunker a customer at the local Miss Porker's burger restaurant. "My arteries are too clogged with cholesterol."

And according to a computerized survey of images coming out of Greece more tears were shed during the games than in all the soap operas broadcast throughout the year. They cried when they won and wept when they lost. More blubbering went on over there than during a Jerry Lewis telethon.

But let's cut to the chase. Sex, drugs and rock and roll aside, we're left with the topic of money. One popular T-shirt slogan summed it up. "My tax money subsidized the Olympic Games and all I got was this dumb T Shirt."

Lots of people who need government support are asking why sports always get first place at the trough. Support Olympic athletes and all you get are a few Goldies who are going to milk the celebrity status for big buck endorsements. Support the arts, some suggest, and you get books that millions of people will read over and over. Support filmmakers and you develop a new generation of talent that can tell the world who we are and what we stand for.

But we digress. When reach by phone in his Los Angeles home, actor and beach volleyball fan, Homer Simpson, had plenty to say about the style and technique of play at the games. "Some of the woman's volleyball teams have shown great strategy and it's obviously a game that takes a lot of mental activity. Also those skimpy little outfits really help them jump. Plus if they were wearing a lot of clothes I think they'd get in the way when they tried to hit the ball. Definitely it's the outfits make it a thinking man's kind of game." Right, thanks Homer.

One can only assume there is a whole lot of Homer style thinking going on among the athletes and officials at the games. They've been given 130,000 condoms and 30,000 tubes of lubricant, to assist them in their strategy sessions between games.

With all those attractive barely clothed young bodies living together in the Olympic village, celebrating victories and in need of solace and comforting in the face of defeat, one wonders how they find the time to do laundry and write home.

And many parents expressed concern that the doping scandals are giving young people the impression that only dumb users get caught. Are we watching the parallel Olympics? Dumb and dumber competing to see who gets kicked out of the games first?

"Man those guys are so stupid," says one local muscle monster who declined to be identified. "There are all kinds of ways to beat those tests, you just got to use your head once in awhile." Recent statistics suggest that many high school students have cheated at least once on an exam, yet only a small percentage get caught. Yes kids, there it is, one of life's biggest lessons, brought to you by the Olympics. If you're going to cheat, don't get caught!

Here's a great idea to deal with the doping problem. Why not have two Olympics? One clean, the other anything goes. Let's see what the human body is really capable of. Let the Bio Boys loose and see what they can do. We could call it The Mutant Olympics.

The last word on that subject goes to Dr. Carl Bungler from the Genetic Research Institute in Zurich. "Vee now have the capacity to do almost anything you can imagine. You vant to create athletes with legs 10 feet long? Slam, bam, boom-you got it. No problem. Ve can make anything you got, bigger than you ever imagined. Just think of the possibilities. Why ve could take your little tiny…." Eh, thanks Doc, we get the picture.