Hello and welcome. My name is Zxwqunz, and I'll be your guide during your visit to planet Earth. Can everyone hear me? What's that? I'm standing on your ear. So sorry. I thought it was part of the ship's furniture.

Is there anyone here from outside the Galaxy? Yes you waiving the orange tentacle. Sirius. Nice to have you with us. And the fellow breathing Zeenon Gas? Oh those aren't just male appendages. I see, you have both male and female. How convenient for you. Never have to worry about a Saturday night date. Hah, Hah!

For those unfamiliar with human behavior, that was a demonstration of what they call humor. If you'll turn your attention to the monitor picking up earth television you'll see an Earthling's response to a humorous comment like that. No they're not in pain. That's called laughter.

Question from the individual with multiple eyes. What we're watching there is called an election. The people laughing are candidates running for President of the USA. They have a lot to laugh about. Voters are being asked to select one of them as their leader. Of all the millions of citizens in their country only two have been pre-approved for consideration. Yes it is a very limited selection. I know it sounds like a rigged game. They call it democracy.

In the US they have two political parties. They talk like they have different agendas, but they both have the same goal of helping the rich get richer at the expense of the less powerful members of their species. You can tell because no matter which party is in power, nothing significant ever really gets done for the planet's poor.

They practice a system called capitalist competition. Rather than co-operating the way successful species do, humans compete to see who can get the most for himself. It's self destructive because the primary goal is to eliminate all competition, so only one individual is left. It leads to war, poverty, oppression and extinction.

Good question from the spider from Andromada. Why do they act that way? We think it's because of the way their brain is formed. As you can see from this harvested sample, their brain to body mass ratio is extremely small. We know from all the clever ways they've invented to kill each other that they're not stupid. They just seem to be stuck in a behavior rut.

Part of our work here is to change their behavior without letting them discover what we're doing. They have small brains but big egos and many of them believe the Supreme Being created them to run the Universe. It would be a devastating shock to them to discover that they are an insignificant species at the edge of civilization. Really just something to be studied before they self-destruct.

As you can see from air and water samples, humans have been doing a poor job of looking after the planet since they allegedly took over. They're perilously close to rendering the planet uninhabitable, but refuse to accept the evidence from their own scientists. That's another part of their mental structure. They not only lie to each other, they lie to themselves as well.

Yes, the individual from Altair, did one of your heads have a question? How do the people in the US decide which of their two choices will rule them? We think the way they look on TV has a lot to do with it.

See that candidate on the podium. He's showing a lot of teeth which would be an aggressive gesture in most species but to humans it's thought to be attractive. Note also how carefully the hair is arranged. These are characteristics that lead people to trust each other and abdicate responsibility for decisions.

It's one of the driving forces in their economy. They see attractive people doing things and want to emulate them. Most people believe they are unable to control their own lives without interference from someone more attractive or intelligent. Most important decisions are made by specialists who have convinced the population that they know what's best for them. Business and government use this underlying fear to do whatever they want.

The odd thing is that although, on mass, humans do the most horrible things to each other, individually they are generally warm and caring. Their young have developed cutesy expressions and enduring charms that lead parents to want to keep and nurture them. These survival strategies on the part of the young carry over into adult hood, as individuals who are sexually attracted to each other vie for the opportunity to mate with the person of their choice.

Now is everyone ready for a trip down to the surface of Earth? This will be a hands-on experiment. Each participant will gain experience motivating a human, using their most receptive emotional states. Everyone turn on their body transformation units. There, don't we look loveable. So warm and soft and furry. Ok now, everyone practice your secret hypnotic voice. Ready. Set. All together now. Meow! Meoww! Meowww!!