PAUL CORMAN

JUST THE TRUTH, PLEASE!

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By Paul Corman

Jim Carrey was in a movie a few years ago called Liar, Liar. In the story Carry's son made a birthday wish that turns dad into a compulsive truth teller. Needless to say, in a world were mendacity rules, Carrie suddenly found himself up to his knees in agro biz animal nutrient.

 Now if I didn't know better I'd almost think there was a similar outbreak of truthfulness in the Canadian political circus these days.

Example: Not long ago the Prime Minister's chief spokesperson, Francoise Ducros, called the US President a moron. She was sent down to the minor leagues for this off the cuff psychological assessment of the man who holds the codes to Nuclear Winter. Fortunately Junior's dad won't let him play with them anymore, but he's going to do the next best thing and flatten a little country in the Middle East, to see if that might set off Armageddon.

But this darn truthfulness doesn't seem to have run its course here in the land of Tundra. The latest being Liberal MP Carolyn Parrish disparaging comments about our big brother and next door neighbour, those loved to be hated Americans from the USofA. (Not to be confused with all the rest of us Americans who live in the Americas from Tierra del Fuego to Ellesmere Island)

"Damn Americans. I hate those bastards," was the now famous remark made, we're told in private conversation, as she walked away from the media paparazzi staking out the caucus doors on Parliament Hill.

Well whether she meant the comment for public consumption or not I can't help but feel it's at least an unconscious desire to have the truth out there. And for me the really interesting part of the exercise would be hearing what happened in caucus to get her feathers so fluffed.

Perhaps a long distance call came in from Cretien while the caucus sat around the big oak table discussing how they too could join the PM in Mexico, at public expense.

I can imagine the call on the speakerphone. "We got some trouble here wid dat silly fool Bush juniur," the PM might have said. "We got to find some money someplace and send some solders to Irack or dat little prick aint goin to support me when I run for the a head of the UN after I'm through screwin the Canadian public."

Now Parrish is the MP from the great wasteland of Mississauga and maybe the money for The Bush War was coming from the parking lot pavement slush fund. Which if you know anyone from Missga is enough to start a drive by gang war, in front of a strip mall dance club-sure to claim only innocent bystanders as victims.

Ms Parrish quickly apologized, but then Gilles Duceppe leader of the Bloc Quebecois stepped into it with a bit of his own honesty. Perhaps the most illuminating comment of the day. It was the Republican government and not the American people who deserved her wrath, he'd said knowing full well that Lake Okeechobee would freeze over before he got the nod from the Bushes for anything but a putin stand at The Olympic Stadium. Them Texas boys is suspicious of anyone with a foreign accent these days. Specially French.

I'm worried this honesty thing might spread to the general population. I can see myself at the local greengrocers, approaching the till, with the last bruised fruit in the place. "These pears are way over priced," I might blurt out. "I guess to pay for that new BMW I see parked out back." And her back to me, "Eat your heart out you big smelly person." Or kids on the street. Not that kids need any encouragement to taunt their elders. "Hey old guy," they might yell at me." Somebody steal your toupee." Or the wife getting right to it. "Not tonight dear. I never did find you very attractive but lately I've lost interest all together."

And let's give the imaginary last word to Ontario's very own CEO Ernie Eves. In real life when asked about the impending war against the people of Iraq Mr. Compassion told it like it is. His major concern he said was, of course, for the economy. What would our glimpse into the Heart of Darkness reveal had the interviewer asked him how he felt about the tens of thousands of women and children that will die, once the bombs start to fall? "I'm optimistic," Ernie might have replied. "The markets generally go down a bit when this sort of thing happens. But the increased sale of pharmaceuticals and mortuary supplies usually balances out any adverse effects." Well thank you Ernie.