It's not easy finding a topic to write about every week. Readers help with tales of personal drama they'd like to share with others. Like the heartbreaking story of the guy who couldn't find a veterinarian, to give his cat a sex change operation.

When I'm not writing I'm looking for that elusive next topic. As a trained observer, I often see issues festering in the group unconscious, that threaten to explode into overt acts of social malfeasance and marital discord.

I literally found this week's topic lying on the sidewalk as I walked from the car lot to my chiropodist's office. It was the kind of hot summer day when you smell mysterious science projects fermenting in restaurant dumpsters. The kind of blistering weather that inspires motorists to signal each other with esoteric hand gestures and creative verbal greetings.

This day, I was walking along daydreaming when suddenly my foot began sticking to the cement, with that squishy stick-and-release feeling that tells you you've just stepped on some chewing gum. By the time I reached a bench, where I could sit and scrape it off, I'd collected a dozen cigarette butts and had this disgusting wad stuck to the bottom of my shoe, that made me limp like one leg was shorter than the other.

The guy sitting beside me, eating his lunch, watched me scrape it off and threw the last of his uneaten peanut butter and pickle sandwich in the trash as he walked away looking green. Two passing teenagers, enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling smoke, broke into hysterical laughter when they saw the mess.

I decided it was time to do an expose on the subject of obnoxious litter. I wanted to do a background piece on the deeper malignancy within our culture that made otherwise responsible citizens commit dastardly antisocial acts, like dropping their chewing gum or cigarette butts on the sidewalk. I was looking for some root cause or as Don Cherry would put it-someone to blame for the mess.

I searched the Internet and discovered that some countries view public gum chewing as a criminal offense-countries that use public flogging as an inducement to good behavior. Now I'm not suggesting we revive the lash for gum & butt perps. I'm still working on that one for bike thieves and the guy across the street with the car alarm that goes off at 4 every morning.

But like any good journalist I decided to go out and find some facts to support the story I was writing-objective information to substantiate my point of view.

I started my research by following smokers and gum chewers until they discarded their obnoxious detritus, then politely point out to them that they'd dropped something on the sidewalk. This experiment was very educational. I learned many new names for parts of the body and hypothetical activities that could be attempted with them.

Then I decided to check out the street level gum & butt dealers, by interviewing a local variety store owner I'll call Mr. Pusher. I asked Mr. P if he realized that some of the products he sold were being used to desecrate the sidewalks of this fair city we all cherish and work so hard to keep clean, so tourists will come and spend their money and we'll all have enough to feed our kids and look after our aging parents and their small yapping dogs.

Mr. P's burley wife and two homeboy sons escorted me to the door and politely asked me not to return unless I wished to acquire numerous contusions and abrasions to complement the ones the elderly gum chewing litter bug had recently bestowed on me. (My Doctor assures me there will be no scaring when the stitches come out.)

Another Internet search yielded the phone number of the country's leading chewing gum manufacturer. A short conversation with the CEO's secretary (who gained the impression somehow that I was the CEO's brother) and I learned that he was having lunch that day, with the President of one of the nation's largest tobacco companies.

It was at this point that I realized I was dealing with a conspiracy. A potential cover-up that could possibly involve the highest levels of the confectionery and tobacco industries.

Now as I told the judge at my bail hearing, it's true I was theoretically dressed as a waiter, in one of the city's most expensive restaurants. (A task performed without charge I might add.) I also didn't deny that I'd approached the table where the CEO and President were dinning and presented them with a verbal summary of the facts I'd so far uncovered, and asked them to respond.

I deny though that I was the first to use bad words and it was definitely the gum guy who threw the first punch-and their bodyguard's assertion that I purposely bled on his expensive suit jacket is entirely felonious.

I know what you're probably thinking. There's a guy willing to risk it all to get to the truth and put it out there so you, the tax paying citizens of this country, can go to bed every night knowing the streets are free from noxious refuse.

All that I can say is, it's a tough job but somebody's got to do it!