I came out of the mall the other day singing a Christmas Song they'd been pumping into our brains. I'm always disappointed when my spam filter breaks down and subliminal junk mail gets through.

Like many men I find myself living through three shopping scenarios, this time of year.  Somewhere in the October I resolve to avoid the whole Christmas Shopping thing. I even mention it casually to one or two friends who pretend to believe me.

Somewhere in November my resolve softens and I tell people I'm only buying small items for people within my primary circle of intimacy. As the festive days grow closer and hysteria mounts, it usually becomes apparent that the tide of joy will wash me into the sea of frenzied purchasing. At this point I resolve to exercise Christmas shopping choice number three. I will not wait to the last minute to shop.

Guilt is the motivation that always gets me. What if I buy someone I love something of less value than they give me? Will I see a look of disappointment on my great aunt's face, as she unwraps a roll of hockey stick tape and stares at it in disbelief? Death, taxes, and Christmas shopping. The question is not, will I crack-but when!

Christmas is for kids. How many times have we heard that? Actually Christmas is for the manufacturer of kids' toys. But of course every season has its toy market. Some just less fully exploited than others.

Take this story from the Village Voice last Easter-inspired no doubt by war hysteria. It seems a North American toy manufacturer woke up to the fact that Easter was underrepresented in the war and gore department. So they kicked out the chocolate bunny and replaced it with a military action figure complete with an assortment of small arms, nestle in a traditional Easter basket. The basket came wrapped in clear plastic with a pretty little bow on top and little candy eggs stuffed around the plastic warrior.

But why stop with just one or two potential 'children as consumer' opportunities. For St Patrick's day, how about a life-like IRA bomb for your child to assemble-complete with fake sticks of dynamite and a Mickey Mouse watch to set it off.

And for Ramadan how about a conversion kit so the bomb can be worn to school under the little guys jacket, just like a real suicide bomber. It could come with an armor plated Israeli bulldozer and little Palestinian houses to crush in retaliation.

For New Year, how about a model car accident caused by a drunk driver, complete with wrecked cars and mangled bodies. Maybe some recently orphaned children to stand by and watch as their parent's bodies are loaded into the ambulance.

For Valentine's day, how about a set of Bernardo-Homolka love dolls. Maybe make them really old so the couple can have a realistic re-union in their old age, when Paul finally gets out. Throw in a little version of Barbie to give the couple something to play with.

And no Martin Luther King Jr. day would be complete without a sniper rifle for the aspiring assassin and a white sheet with eyeholes, just to get him into the spirit of the occasion.

For the US President's Day, how about the ultimate Presidential toy-a thermal nuclear devise small enough to fit in a school bag. It could include an assortment of charred bodies laid out in grotesque positions and an atlas of the world minus all the capital cities.

For Mother's Day how about fake birth control pills so some kid can play a practical joke on her older sister. Or a blood-smeared butcher knife just like the one Norman Bates used in Psycho when he dressed up like his mom and went on a rampage.

For father's day how about a mail in DNA test kit. Take a little of dad's hair off his comb, put in some of your own, and a couple of weeks later you'll find out if he really is your dad.

Yes shopping for kid's toys isn't just a Christmas thing. Ask not who the Musak plays for. It plays for you. By the way, how do you buy someone 'a Partridge in a pear tree'? I mean does the tree come in a big clay pot-or do I have to purchase real estate to go with it?