"I Owe! I Owe! It's Off  To Work I Go!"

It's no laughing matter that the US debt is almost $7,000,000,000,000.00. That's about $10 trillion Canadian. And in Ontario, Slick Eves and his henchmen managed to turn the Common Cents Revolution into a $5.6 billion deficit. The rich got richer and the taxpayers are being called upon to clean up their mess.

Bush the Younger and his handlers recently affirmed their solution to the sagging US economy. The only way they'll get out of debt is if everyone spends more, they told the American public. One official who spoke on condition of anonymity compared the situation to the epiphany Scrooge went through after his ordeal. "Scrooge is a role model we can all emulate," he declared. "He opened up his purse and everyone lived happily ever after."

Did they really? According to one Hollywood insider, the long awaited sequel to Ebenezer Scrooge's Christmas story will not be hitting the theatres this holiday season. True to our mandate to bring our readers all the dirt, no matter how repugnant, we've managed to dig up a few scenes from the script that was too hot for Tinseltown to handle.

Opening Scene from Scrooged Again: Two large men in dark suits roust Scrooge from bed early Christmas morning. They drag him into a car and drive him to the infamous headquarters of The Ministry of Consumer Affairs.

Scrooge is taken to windowless room and placed on a hard wooden chair under bright lights. There is a large one-way mirror across the wall. An Official from The Ministry sits at a desk reading from a file folder.

The Official finally looks up from reading. "Well Mr. Scrooge, we've been going over your purchasing history for the last little while," he says. "It's very disappointing. No major purchases in the last year. Charge cards paid off. No debts. You were doing so well there for awhile, after your transformation. Care to explain!"

Scrooge can feel eyes watching him from behind the mirror. His mouth feels dry and he desperately needs to use the washroom. "After that night," he says, "I started buying a lot of things-especially at Christmas time. But I found most of the stuff broke, or I got bored with it. I ended up with a basement full of stuff I never used. Then I sold it all at a lawn sale for a fraction of what I paid."

The Official grew red in the face. "It's precisely that sort of attitude that's wrecking the economy," he shouted. "What do you think would happen if everyone followed your example? Why, we'd have stores filled with things nobody was buying. Soon the warehouses would be overflowing and they'd have to shut down factories. People would be out of work-children would be on the streets starving. All because of selfish people like you."

Scrooge felt himself sinking into the chair. He thought of his nice warm bed and wished he was back there safe under the covers. Then he said in a timid voice, "I don't see the need to buy so many things anymore."

"Are you trying to tell me you're satisfied?" yelled the official standing over poor Scrooge. "Don't you realize how many people out there wear nicer clothes than you, drive newer cars and have more electronic household appliances. What do your friends and loved ones think when you go cheap on presents?"

"I'm sorry for all that," he said. "But the thing is you see, I've discovered that I really don't need a lot of things. And people love me, even if I don't buy big presents. They know I care about them no matter what gifts I give. And now I don't have to work so much overtime. Really, I find I'm happier than I was when I had all those things."

The Official finally explodes. "You make me sick." He yelled pointing his finger in Scrooge's face. "It's because of people like you that this country is in such desperate shape. If I had my way we'd take you out back and shoot you."

"Well," stammered Scrooge, "then I couldn't buy anything, could I."

In the morning Scrooge woke up in his own bed. It was Christmas morning. All the stores were closed so he couldn't shop even if he wanted to. "Well," Scrooge thought, "there's always Boxing Day!"