PAUL CORMAN

ROCKY RACCOON

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By Paul Corman

ALGONQUIN PARK-Enraged animals went on a rampage in this popular Nature Park, during the week, in retaliation for the death of animal leader Rocky Raccoon, who was killed in what police are calling a vehicular related accident.

Rocky died in an apparent hit and run, on a lonely stretch of Highway 60, just inside the boundary of Algonquin Park. His body was found Thursday morning by Park Rangers.

Police say they are investigating some leads but no arrest has been made. "We believe the victim died sometime Wednesday night," said Sergeant Bigillow of the local police. "His body lay on the road all night and was run over numerous times. It was one of the most gruesome scenes I've seen!"

Rocky was the leader and one of the founding members of the group Animal Power, a militant coalition of animal organizations dedicated to gaining equal rights with humans. The group has often been accused of using violent means to attain its goals.

Outrage erupted in the park as word of Rock's death spread throughout the animal community. Birds splattered tourist vehicles with dive bomb pooh, a swarm of bees attacked campers as they lined up for showers in the campground, and a fisherman said that a pike bit him on the finger as he tried to remove a hook from the fish's mouth. Reports that violence has spread to other communities in the province have not been confirmed.

Eager Beaver speaking for the group said, "Everyone in the park is deeply distressed by Rocky's death, which we view as a political assassination." Eager went on to say that humans have committed violent acts against animals since the beginning of history and should not be surprised if animals start to fight back.

Animal Power has been implicated in numerous acts of vandalism in recent years. Raccoons are often accused of leading the unrest. They chew into garbage bags late at night and leave a mess on sidewalks and lawns. Positive identification of the perpetrator is often difficult due to the raccoon's dark burglar mask.

The group's members believe that animals are the rightful owners of the planet Earth, pointing out that animals predate humans by millions of years. Rocky was quoted as saying that fossils of his ancestors can be traced back to the Lower Miocene Period.

The North American Raccoon, Procyon lotor, has distinctive rings on the tail, and 5 toes on each foot with non-retractable claws. Their habitat extends over most of North America and they can be found living in hollow trees, logs, rock crevices and ground burrows.

Raccoons are hunted and killed as pests in many parts of the country. They are not considered good to eat, and the fur has little or no market value, although one famous American, Daniel Boone, wore a hat with a Raccoon tail on the back.

Public opinion in the human population was strongly against Rocky and his organization. "There won't be any tears shed around here," said local hunter Gunut Gimble. "He was a trouble maker and got what he deserved."

Rocky appeared on many talk shows and was quoted widely in the press on animal rights issues. He tried to register as a candidate in the last federal election but Elections Canada ruled that non-humans were not eligible to run.

A spokesperson for the Police Department said that Rocky was on their list of individuals they believe may have ties to Middle East Terrorists, although they would not discuss specific charges, or what proof they might have.

Animal Power has taken the lead in many issues over the last few years, campaigning to end the killing of animals and the destruction of their habitat. A small but vocal group protested the slaughter of deer and cormorants at Presqu'ile Park earlier this year. "This is nothing short of planned genocide," declared one group supporter who was at the barricade.

Rocky once said in an interview, "Humans blamed all their troubles on animals. According to one of their religions, a snake was responsible for the break with God, which forced mankind to leave the Garden of Eden. They also claim God gave them dominion over all the animals of the world. We say humans should be grateful for all the things we've done for them!"

The group points to the Passenger Pigeon, which was hunted to extinction, as an example of human callousness in their dealings with animals. They believe that the Earth actually belongs to animals and that animal ownership rights were never relinquished.

Animal Power gained worldwide attention recently with their effort to organize a domestic animal union. Farmers and pet owners throughout the country were outraged when they realized they could loose control of their animals.

The issue came to a head last year when a strike at the chicken farm of Munch Meatloaf stopped him from shipping eggs and poultry to the local market. "Them protesters should all be sent to the abattoir," Meatloaf said at the time.

Rocky will be greatly missed in the animal world. A memorial service will be held for him in the meadow behind the big Oak tree, where he lived with his wife and six children. Supporters will honor his passing with a special showing of his favorite Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds.

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