By Paul Corman

Dr Paul: Teen Advisor

Dear Dr Paul: I'm running for re-election as president of my high school. There is this other girl who also wants the job and she keeps going on about things she says I did wrong when I was Prez, last year. It's just silly little stuff but she's making a big deal out of it. Like for example, we used the UNICEF money collected at Halloween to buy new helmets for the football team. She's trying to make out like that was the wrong thing to do. Like some kids in Bulgaria are going to be better off if we sent them some schoolbooks! Duh! Like who reads those stupid things anyway? My question is, how can I get this girl off my back? GWB from Washington.

Dear GWB. First off you have to realize that the world is full of nitpickers who are never happy, no matter what you do. Say for example you did send some old books to those ungrateful little brats in Bulgaria. Then you know what? They'd expect the same thing next year. Before you know it they'd become dependent on your school to carry them. What you're doing for them is worth more than money. You're teaching them to stand on their own two feet and be free.

Second, this whiner you're running against sounds like a dangerous anti-social type. The only way to deal with people like that is to dig up some dirt on her. Talk to kids she hung out with in grade school. Maybe there's another kid who wants to get even for something. Get them to badmouth her, so the students at your school know what kind of low life back-stabber she really is.

Dear Dr Paul: Last year I met this really rad chick who’s driving me crazy. I can't sleep at night thinking about her. The problem is she's seeing this other guy. I'd really like to take her away from him but he's got her snowed. He's not too bright but he's got her convinced she's even dumber than he is and can't do any better. As I see it, my choices are to show her how smart I am and lift her up so she feels good about herself, or play his game and dumb down appealing to her baser emotions. What do think? John from Massachusetts.

Dear John from Massachusetts. It sounds to me like this girl needs whatever the other guy is giving her. The best way to deal with this kind of situation is to become as much like your opposition as you can. Check out his clothes and start dressing like him. If he talks about religion, next time you see her, start talking about yours. If she likes dumb guys who only use cliches, then start using them yourself. Before long she won't be able to tell the two of you apart and you'll be able to slip in there and grab her. Remember you can turn people off by being too bright, but everyone pities a dummy.

Dear Dr Paul: My dad owns a gas station and I work there on the weekends. When I graduate he wants to retire and have me run the place. The problem is I don't know anything about cars, running a business or dealing with the public. When I close at night the till never balances, I break things, and customers don't seem to like me. My question is how can I pull this off? Dumb Son.

Dear Dumb Son. There is no reason incompetence and stupidity should prevent you from succeeding in the business world. It didn't stand in your father's way. Why should it stop you? The thing you have to understand is that most people can't do their jobs without help. Bank presidents have secretaries to run things. Doctors have nurses so they don't make any really stupid mistakes. What you need is a sidekick-someone that stays in the shadows but can whisper in your ear when you're in over your head. Say, like you're talking to a tourist and he asks you how to get to Iraq. You've got your sidekick there to help you. Then you can tell them that the best way to get to Iraq is to make a whole bunch of wrong turns, spend a few hundred billion dollars, and get a whole bunch of innocent people killed. Oh yes, and to never asks directions from anyone else along the way. See it's easy, you just have to believe in yourself, even if no one else does.

Dear Dr Paul: I am applying for a job that I really want. I know what they're looking for in a candidate but there are some holes in my resume. Should I skip over them and risk losing the job? I'm worried if I stretch my qualifications a bit I'll get caught. Tex.

Dear Tex: It's obvious that you haven't been watching the news lately or you would have learned one of the key elements in perception management. If you tell a little fib you're going to get caught. The secret is to tell a huge whopper and keep telling it. Say it loud enough and often enough and people will believe you. The more complicated the story, the harder it is to verify. Remember, no one likes a liar, but everyone appreciates a well-crafted and entertaining story. When it comes to resume padding, bigger is always better.