By Paul Corman

The studio crew is ready for the debate to start. The team behind each candidate goes over final preparations, as the seconds tick by.

Dick is back stage looking at the TV monitor. He sees his man, George, standing in the wings waiting. George is wearing a wireless receiver taped to his back, which allows Dick to talk to him.

"George, it's Dick. If you can hear me, lift your hand and scratch your nose."

Dick watches George raise his hand and scratch his nose. Dick glances down at his notes and when he looks up again George is still scratching his nose.

"George, stop scratching your nose."

"OK, Dick."

"And don't talk to me. Pretend I'm not here. Only 30 seconds to go. Are you all set?"

George just stands there looking vacant and confused.

"George can you hear me? George!"

Dick turns to his assistant. "This damn thing's not working. George if you can hear me say something."

"You told me not to talk to you," George responds with a goofy grin.

The hand picked audience sits quietly waiting for the applause signal. The stage director counts down, three, two, one. He points at the moderator.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the great debate. My name is Bland Tedium. Tonight we have the opportunity to hear two men debate for the Big Job. One of them will spend your tax money for the next four years. This is your opportunity to pretend that your vote counts. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome George the Draft Dodger, and John the Indecisive War Vet. "

The two candidates walk out on stage, shake hands and sit on their stools. The audience applauds politely as instructed earlier. One over-zealous participant yells out the name of his favorite candidate and is quickly hustled away by vigilant security people.

"George sit up straight, stop smirking and swallow that chewing gum!" Dick tells him

"The first question goes to George," the moderator says. "Sir if you are re-elected, will you give more massive tax cuts to the rich and shaft the working class in this country, as you did in the last four years?"

George frowns and stalls for time as he swallows his gum. He hears Dick prompting him. "Let me be perfectly clear," he says repeating Dick's words.

"My enemies have said many untrue things about me. Those things that were true won't be true once we get through with them. We were right when we thought we were but my opponent here is indecisive and unable to decide what he wants to decide."

"Thank you for that response. The next question goes to John. Sir do you have any idea what George just said? And if so, can you explain it to the audience?"

"Mr. Moderator," John says. "How could I possibly understand what he's saying. My opponent is so confused he couldn't find his way out of Iraq if he had 200 billion dollars to spend. Which he did!

"I object, Mr. Moderator!" George screams. "I'm in charge here and don't you forget it!"

"George, this is Dick. Stop yelling. You're scaring people."

"Don't interrupt me," George says.

"I didn't say anything," John says.

"Not you. Him." George says.

"Who?" John asks.

"George," Dick says. "It's his turn, let him go first."

"Who's first?" George asks.

"I'm confused," John says. "What's the question again?"

"George you go second," Dick says.

"What's second," George says out loud.

"The question I believe was who's first." Says the moderator. "But let's change the subject. Second question to George. When are the troops coming home?"

"Who's coming home?" George asks bewildered.

"Exactly!" says John.

"Actually," says the Moderator. "The question was, who's coming home when?"

George," Dick says. "Tell him when who's coming home. But first tell him what the second thing is we're going to do."

"What's the second thing we're going to do?" George asks bewildered.

"OK," the Moderator says. "Let's forget who's first. What's second?"

"Exactly," says George.

"What’s second?" asks John.

"That’s right," says George

"Tell him why," Dick says into his microphone.

"Why what?" George asks.

"Exactly," says the moderator. "Thank you gentlemen we're running out of time. I want to thank you both for telling the nation who's first and what's second."

"Who's first?" John asks, bewildered.

"Now you got it right," the Leader says.