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ELECTION NOTES 2004

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By Paul Corman

Well you made it through another election. Feeling a little post-traumatic stress? Missing all those gushy TV ads with politicians kissing dogs and helping little old ladies across the street? Grown men and women groveling for your approval.

 

In some ways you might feel a little let down, having it all over and done with. Loosing the feeling that you're wanted and needed-the sense of being pursued and courted. It's one of the few times in life you get to feel that someone really cares about your opinion.

 

If you didn't vote which of the following excuses applies to you?

There's an election?

Why should I care? Did Paul Martin ever vote for me?

It's only my tax money they're spending. So what?

I don't mind if other people decide how my life will turn out, they can't do any worse than I did.

 

Sometimes it's easy to understand why people are cynical about politicians. A recent joke on the CBC summed it up. "An election is like a police lineup in reverse. We're picking out the guys who are going to rob us."

 

Not that they're all scoundrels. I spent election night watching returns at the headquarters of my candidate of choice. I'll retain journalistic objectivity by omitting his name. You'll probably guess who he is, though, when I say he has honesty and integrity. After the patronage scandal, it doesn't look like there are too many politicians to choose from in that category.

 

And sometimes it looks like one of the Peter Principals in action. "People get promoted to their level of incompetence and get stuck there." Maybe that's why the guy I voted for lost-just too competent.

 

It seems to me that way too much time is spent election night congratulating the winners. Statistically for every candidate elected there are 3 or 4 who were cut from the lineup. Good men and women who need to seek other employment for the next 4 years or until auditions are called again. Personally I couldn't handle the rejection.

 

Then of course we got the much-predicted minority government. As a summary of the recent federal election this column should be called, "Who won anyway? Does anybody know, does anybody care?" Or more accurately, "The Canadian Personality-Indecisiveness in Action?"

 

Looks like we responded in true Canadian fashion, though, by making big changes without taking any chances. The Liberals are still in power, but we spanked their bottoms and made them stand in the corner for the next 4 years-or until the Bloc think it's time for another election.

 

 

 

The children watching the vote results with us were excited when we told them it would be a minority government. They somehow got the impression all the members would be under the legal drinking age. An understandable mistake, considering the adolescent behavior of some of the candidates.

 

You have to admit, though, when the PM started pouting on the televised leader's debate it looked like a Second City skit. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd walked off the stage in a huff.

 

We shouldn't complain too loudly. We could have elected the guys who want to criminalize, for the rest of us, everything that they secretly fantasize about doing themselves. You have to love those hidden agenda types. Always keep you guessing what they're really up to.

 

And wasn't it great watching Jack Layton, on election night, as he reminded Paul Martin about all the things that the PM had promised to do while campaigning. Subtly hinting that if he supports death rays in space or any other wacky Bush Armageddon scenarios, we could all be back doing the same thing again real soon.

 

And now that the dust has settled it's interesting to hear the pollsters explain why they were so wrong about the outcome. They lost credibility big time. According to them a big chunk of voters changed their mind at the last minute, like they were ordering fast food. "I want to change that order. Give me double fries and switch the burger to dog kibble with that special sauce." Are we that fickle that, after months of campaigning, we finally make up our mind in the voting kiosk.

 

By now there are enough interesting characters going to Ottawa to start their own soap opera. Will Steven and Gilles commit an unnatural act, bringing repressed Neo Con Puritanism and Quebecois separatism together for mutual pleasure? Will Paul and Jack find happiness together? Will the countries one lone independent find true love in the arms of a major party?

 

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment.

Paul Corman 2004