I had a similar idea once. There are some squirrels that run around my back yard every fall, with nuts in their mouths. I studied them one afternoon, when I had a deadline I was avoiding. You know what, they weren't saving up for winter at all. The little rascals were racing back and forth with the same nuts, competing to see who could get to the top of the tree first.

 

I passed the idea by my editor. He looked up at me over his specs, his grizzled face lined from years of dealing with nincompoop writers. He rolled a dead cigar around in his mouth. "Squirrel nut racing!" he said with a sneer and threw a fax at me. "The Bulls goalie pulled a groin muscle," he said. "That's sports-go talk to him.

 

So here is lesson #1 on how to be a sports writer. Do an elevator speech for every idea you pitch. Know what you want to say. If it looks like sports and tastes like sports, it probably is. Otherwise query the Lady's Home Journal with your idea.

 

Now I was looking at my diploma from the International School of Sports Journalism in Akron Ohio just the other day. I was remembering the day I tore the back off the match book cover and sent it in. Who'd believe you could get a college degree for $250US and a four-page story about the time my uncle Bert took me to the Gardens, to see the Leafs get whooped.

 

Now don't get me wrong, educating yourself is important. Especially spelin and grammar. But on that subject I'm reminded of one of this country's greatest urban myths. Every rookie gets to hear this one, from a season hack, his first year on the job.

 

The story goes like this. It seems our national icon, writer Pierre (Mr. Canada) Berton was addressing a first year journalism class at one of our more prestigious emporiums of learning.

 

Berton is said to have started his lecture by leaning out over the podium and surveying the audience. "If you want to be a writer," he'd said, "get the hell out there and write!" Then he'd walked off the stage.

 

And here is tip #2 for would be sports writers. Write, writer, write. Keep a diary. Start your autobiography even if you're only 10 years old. Spy on people and write down what they say. Write J. Lo a love letter. If you find you do not feel a strong need to pontificate on paper, you might want to consider taking up dry walling as an occupation.

 

Now one of the things that separates sports writing from say, describing the reproductive habits of Madagascar Moths, is that you've got people in the story. And although statistics mesmerize some folk, really the only thing that counts in the event is who did what, and how they did it.

 

In modern journalism readers want to hear what people involved in a sport have to say, and the sports writer needs to talk to them. It's usually called doing an interview and getting a quote.

 

It turned out that one of Canada's finest sports writers, Stephen Brunt from the Globe and Mail was making an appearance at the Picton Theatre recently promoting a movie he wrote, The Last Round. So I nipped over to see the flick and bend his ear.

 

The movie is about the 1966 George Chuvalo-Cassius Clay, Toronto duke out, with lots of on camera interviews with the Canadian pugilist.

 

"Sometimes guys like Chuvalo get cast in stone by their myth and that's how they see themselves," Brunt said. He's responding to my question on how to get people to open up. The implication is that there is often a deeper level to the situation that requires some finesse to reach.

 

Tip #3. Ask good knowledgeable questions and listen to the response. Lots of people get good at the first part but fold on listening.

 

Try this exercise. Next time your wife, kid, sibling, teacher worst enemy or parrot says something to you that sounds crazy, try to figure out what the heck they're talking about. Ask questions. Listen to their answer. Be non-judgmental. Repeat back what you heard them say and ask if that was what they meant to say. This might not make you a better sports writer but it sure as heck will make you an easier person to live with.

 

Now answer these questions. How many books did you read last year? Who's your favorite writer? If the answers are none and don't have one, you've got some catching up to do if you want to be even a mediocre sports hack.

 

Writing is like making sausages. Mix in sawdust and leftovers and you get something the dog might not eat. Bring fresh new ideas into your brain on a regular basis and you'll create fresh new pieces when you sit down at the keyboard.

 

Finally Tip#4. They say imitation is the highest praise you can give. It's also a good way to learn to write.

 

Go to the nearest bookstore or library and get a book or magazine writen by a Canadian sports writer. Read and study what works. Take the story apart and see how the writer structured it. How does he use quotes and description? What's his slant? Where is the conflict and drama? Now do this every day for the rest of your life.

 

There you go. A small list of useful tips for the aspiring sport scribbler. It's by no means complete-but it's stuff that serves me well. Oh and one last thing I wanted to mention. Don't forget to have fun while you're at it. But then you probably knew that already.

 

"Now get the hell out there and write!"